INT. APARTMENT
Michael, who has to have virtually everything he owns packed up and moved to a corner of the apartment which he also has to clean before he goes to bed in less than twenty-four hours, sits on the couch perusing the same five useless web sites until his eyeballs begin to bleed.
MICHAEL: Meh.
Like Reader's Digest for people who don't want to waste their time stalking me.
2 comments:
We've all been there. I wish I could help. :(
1. When was the last time you filled one of these out?
Ages ago.
2. Did you feel as guilty then as you do now for wasting your time on it?
Always.
3. About how much time do you think you'll spend per question on this survey?
About 2 seconds.
4. How does that compare to the amount of time you normally give surveys?
About the same.
5. When you think about how much time you've spent filling these out cumulatively over the course of your life, how does that make you feel?
Amounting to a total of about 15 minutes, not too bad. I spend more time on the toilet reading the little sticky label that's stuck inside the shower door guide.
6. If I were to change tacks right now, how would you feel about that?
Whatever. This is your survey.
7. What topic would you like to answer questions about?
Ask me about my marital status.
8. Why that topic?
So I can post this on my myspace and hope that my crush reads it and realizes I'm single and we're meant to be together. That's what everyone else does, right?
9. I don't really know what you're talking about. On a scale from red to violet, how does that make you feel? (for bonus points, write your response in a haiku that evokes that hue.)
Red. I don't care about bonus points.
10. Who is your least favorite living celebrity?
Define celebrity.
11. How do your feelings for that celebrity compare to your feelings for John Malkovitch?
Did you spell his name right?
12. What is your favorite planet in the solar system?
Pluto. You can't un-planet a planet in my opinion.
13. Was this planet your favorite before or after it was decided that Pluto is not a planet?
As I was saying...
14. What was the first Halloween costume you can remember wearing?
A smurf?
15. For what other occasions would you consider wearing a similar costume?
A smurf convention?
16. On average, how many times per day would you say you use acronyms (a.k.a. "cell phone speak") in lieu of more appropriate forms of communication (a.k.a. "proper English grammar")?
LOL, Idk
17. Can you spot the grammatical error in the previous question?
I don't know. I'm not THAT smart. Yet.
18. What is a comma splice?
n. Improper use of a comma to join two independent clauses.
19. What Web site did you use to help you answer the previous question?
Dictionary.com
20. Joe and Mary go to the supermarket to buy ingredients to bake cookies. Joe buys one pound of chocolate chips at $1.25/pound and one and three eighths pounds of flour and $0.79/pound. Mary buys six ounces of butter at $2.35/pound and six eggs at $3.00/dozen. Who loves who more?
This question required more than the alloted 1 second of reading time.
21. How many magazines do you subscribe to? (if the answer is "0", skip to number 25)
0
25. What civil liberty would you be willing to give up if you knew that everyone else was giving one up, and that once everyone had done so, the environmental crisis would be solved?
What civil liberties?
26. Please list the past five movies you saw in theaters chronologically, alphabetically, and in ascending order based on their gross domestic box office.
No.
27. Which of the three tasks in 26 would have annoyed you most to complete?
The third.
28. Does your response to 27 speak in any way to your upbringing, your genetics, or your primary education? How so?
No. I'm just lazy.
29. Pick a winner in each of the following fights-to-the-death: A) The North American grizzly bear v. Your mom B) Your boss v. That loud guy who sells Oxy-clean C) Your least favorite celebrity v. Your least favorite animated character. Bonus: Of the three people and/or animals who are now dead, who will you miss the most and why?
1. My mom.
2. My boss
3. Woody Woodpecker.
The grizzley bear, because be probably could have taken my boss out.
30. What questions haven't I asked you that you'd like me to know the answers to?
Stop asking me shit. It's none of your damn business.
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