Bull crap. We are studying sonnets and villanelles in my poetry writing class (I actually have to write one for Wednesday), and today we read a few from my professor's previous classes. This one we read was bullshit, and I'll put it here in it's entirety (how do you spell that?) so that you can truly understand the form of a villanelle and so that I can make references and bash it and so on. I will say; she does good things with the form.

frustrations of a hopeless romantic
poet unknown

i wait for one with eyes drawn to the stars,
who reads banned books and opposes Descartes.
yet all around they flock to beers and bars,

still trying to impress me with their cars.
(big muscles don't distract me from small hearts.)
i wait for one with eyes drawn to the stars,

who'll take me on walks and play me guitar,
caressing my har to the sounds of Mozart.
yet all around they flock to beers and bars

to talk of business news and smoke cigars,
their lives planned out along commercial charts.
i wait for one with eyes drawn to the stars,

who'll kiss away tears and memorize scars,
rent out Casablanca with Humphrey Bogart.
yet all around they flock to beers and bars,

no one possessing impassioned lodestars
to show me life and beauty, love and art.
i wait for one with eyes drawn to the stars,
yet all around they flock to beers and bars.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I'm sorry if you wrote this and also read my blog, but I think this is probably the clearest picture of female fallacy I have ever seen. I WILL NOT believe the claim that women (this was written by one in college, who probably dresses up like most of them around here and goes to the bars at least semi-regularly) are not impressed by muscles... how many overly fat or overly skinny poster boys have you heard a girl salivate over? Ask a girl if she's ever been to the Beech Art Museum or the library to pick up dates - chances are she hasn't really ever been to either, and even if she has, she is far more familiar with the interior of Rusty's Last Chance than she is with the current collection of Kansas paintings and the media collection on the second floor where you can find quite a few Mozart recordings. And I have gotten more flack from the females for owning my very own copy of Casablanca than I know what to deal with. And don't even TELL me you want a guy who looks at the stars... the only ones who still do this, you'll probably pass buy one drunken night on the way home with your muscle-bound beau in his tricked-out ride and you will laugh in his face for being "a loser" or "gay". I'll kiss away your tears and memorize your scars, but it's not like that's going to make you happy anyway. And a guy who plays you guitar and compares love with art? Ask my friend Kyle how well that worked out for him. Poems are an easy place to spout out such wishful thinking; my blog is a good place for me to spout out how crappy I think that kind of thinking is. It is a rare girl who really wants what this "poet" claims she does - I have yet to find her. If and when I do, she'll probably already be taken. Cheers... here's to love.

The poem is, however, well written (in my opinion)... except I think line seventeen is a bit too much. But who am I to critique?

When McSweeney's gives you Lemon... This weekend has been a fairly good one. I think that's because I haven't had to work since last Monday, but that all ends today because I go back to the grind tonight from five till ten. But, I saw Scary Movie 3 and enjoyed it, hung out with some friends, etc. Plus the Wildcats won (although, like a loser, I skipped out on the game and watched some Indiana Jones instead). I also recieved my latest book from McSweeney's, a book that I probably won't have time to read for awhile. I read the first page though, and I like the style. It's about the romantic relationship between a man and a lemon. Wicked, eh? Yeah, that's why I bought it.

I really love the fall version of Daylight Savings Time. It is a beautiful thing to look at a clock that reads "12:28" and know that really it's 11:28. It always makes me feel like I'm pulling one over on someone. It kind of sucked this year though because I had to change my whole wall of clocks. They're probably all way off from eachother on the second-hands now.

I had a dream that I had to go back and work at Peterson's because I got this girl I know pregnant and we decided (actually she decided, but I guess I wasn't opposed to it) to get married. I'd tell you who she is but I think she's told me she reads this blog, so then it'd be kind of weird. It was, though, only a dream.

A fun-filled Wednesday. Today (well, yesterday actually) was a pretty good day. I didn't have to work (for the second night in a row... actually, I don't work again till Sunday night!) so it was just a nice, relaxing day. I even grilled up a nice T-bone steak for myself! Then I went and saw Othello at McCain. I'm not sure how I felt about the production; it was set in a sort of pseudo-Nazi Venice (I think, although it could have been modern), so all the characters were in cammos or nazi get-up and berets and they marched around like toy soldiers. There was also some "slow motion" which in one scene was almost comical, as it kind of looked like they were taking cues from The Matrix. But more than that, in the beginning, I couldn't really take Othello seriously; he seemed almost "giddy as a school girl" about his rad new wife, Desdemona. Then, when he took his drastic turn, I was like, "Yeah, whatever... he's just being a baby." Iago was good though... and Emilia, who was black, which I suppose they did in an effort to narrow down the reasons why Iago hates Othello so much. Bianca (Michele Hillen, who, according to the program is going to be in Mona Lisa Smile, although when I looked on IMDB I didn't find her name) was really hot. They had this techno dance scene; it was cool. And I liked the sets... especially the last one. I dunno, on a scale of one to ten, I'd give it an eight for originality and vision, and a three for effectiveness. I think it was the really bad B-war movie music they used to transition between scenes. I felt like I was watching the CBS nightly news (you know their theme song?)

ANYWAY... sorry for that scattered and poorly written review. I just had to give my two cents. Other good things that happened today... my friend Carey IM'd me!!! It was so exciting! She's in Spain, which is great, and wants to be a furniture designer! It was great hearing from her... hopefully we can hang out when she gets back!

I watched 28 Days Later... I am a fan. It's not quite my genre, but it was pretty damn interesting. The whole procreation bit was a bit out there, but maybe lonely British men get a bit crazy (and horny)? Meh.... if/when it comes down in price, it'll probably wind up in my collection.

I did a bad, bad thing. Today I talked to both Joe and Mike (in that order) on the phone. They called within about fifteen minutes of eachother... it was really weird. Joe is doing well... so is Mike. Mike actually comes home in less than a month (November 20th, to be exact) which is exciting! Joe gets back Christmas Eve. Also exciting, but since it's further away, it's a little less exciting than Mike's arrival.

Stephen also called me today, and I never have to work another minute at Peterson Clinical Lab, PA. Apparently they found someone new. It makes me kind of sad though, because I'll never get to say goodbye to Kami or Greg or Charles or Angela or Julie or Tammy or Jackie or Beth or Vivian or Tera (meh) or any of those guys. Maybe when (or if... hehehe) I take my shirts back, I'll see some of them. Or maybe I'll decide to work there again over the summer? Or maybe not.

In the absense of work, I went shopping. The "bad, bad thing" to which this post's title refers is my purchasing of the Indiana Jones Trilogy. This is "bad" for a couple of reasons. One, I have seen only the Last Crusade in its entirety, so I'm hardly an Indiana Jones "fan", which therefore makes me somewhat of a poser - although I KNOW I'll like the other ones; I've seen bits of them and enjoyed them. Thirdly, I really should not be spending that kind of money the entire trilogy (with bonus disc in a beautiful feaux-feaux-leather box) cost me a cool $45.99 from Hastings. (In my defense, there is a $10 rebate which I've already sent in, AND I got two free rentals. Those two bonuses totalled together, I am informed, to bring the purchase price to under $29.00. That's less than $10 a movie, and that really isn't bad.)

WE HAVE A TREE! It is a six-foot artificial ficus tree with little white lights (kind of like the one in my bedroom at home, which I think only two or three of you who read this post have seen, and I am willing to bet only one of you remembers. But that's cool.) Its leaves are green on top and burgandy-ish underneath. It is great. Unfortunately, we can't plug it in right now; the number of electrical plugs going into one outlet has Chad a bit timid. I am not so timid since we never have all eighty things on at once (plus it's a small strand of Christmas lights), but for the sake of world peace...

And once again, because I said I would, check out my roommate's online magazine. It has been updated. It is awesome. It is subtly dirty. It is a force to be reckoned with.

You people. A couple of you actually took yesterday's post literally and called me shallow. I don't think you were joking, either. That hurts, people. That's the stuff my nightmares are made of.

I came back home today... home to Manhattan, that is. I really wasn't excited to come back, I think because I have to work in about thirty minutes and then do homework and go to class tomorrow. Blegh. I'm ready to move to wherever I'm going to move to.

David, Logan and I saw Kill Bill last night (as you know, this was my second time). The other two liked it. The three guys behind us didn't. They said things like, "Dude, this is like the worst movie ever." "Yeah, dude, I heard it had like, a really low budget or something." "Oh." They said these things fairly loud, and it got kind of annoying, but Logan said they were courteous because every time he turned around they would shut up until their A.D.D. kicked in about ten seconds later. They left pretty close to the end... and I was happy.

Speaking of David, he got his first car yesterday. He's pretty excited. I'm pretty scared. And jealous... it has power windows, power locks, and cruise control. That bastard. My parents got my muffler fixed for me, which is nice. So, all in all, I'd say I enjoyed my weekend.

I know it's overplayed, but I really like "Clocks" by Coldplay. It's one of those songs that makes you believe you can fly.

The paper saga. After all the slacking and snoozing, I completed a very rough draft of my paper at about five o'clock in the morning on Friday morning. I then woke up at twenty after one that afternoon; the exact time the class for which I wrote the paper (my second class of the day) let out. This was a problem.

Why do things like this always happen to me?! Like the time last year when I slept through a final and got a D in Public Speaking 105A... does anyone else do this kind of stuff?? Am I the only person who has these issues? E-mail me or SOMETHING if you do! Anyway... I wrote a frantic e-mail to my professor and attached the very rough draft in hopes that some dim ray of luck might shine upon me.

And shine upon me it did. She said I was "close enough" and suggested that I not let myself get so sleep deprived as I have a whole half a semester left. I thought that was nice of her to mention... and the fact that she didn't throw the whole "I am a University professor and I am God and will accept no late work" thing in my face really earned cool points for her in my book. If she ever comes into Cold Stone, I'm going to give her free ice cream. Hopefully I will get a decent grade on it despite the fact that it might be the worst piece of trash I've ever submitted for grading (as it was, as I've said, a "very rough" draft).

I am happy to be at home. Tonight, my mom and I went to the grocery store, then we all ate dinner as a family. Then David and I went to Borders, where I bought the new Travis album (as per Logan's suggestion) and a Jonathan Lethem book that was on sale (the name looked familiar... I thought he had written for one of the McSweeney's quarterlies. Actually, Jason went to a reading of his a couple of weeks ago and was underwhelmed by his newest work. Oh well.) What is more exciting is that I bought a couple of books for David, who is actually becomming interested in reading! Then we went and saw School of Rock because, as I have mentioned, it is necessary for all to see. We got home at about 1:00 this morning, and only then did I remember that he is taking the PSAT at like 7:30. Ooops. He said that it doesn't matter, which is true I guess, and I'm glad he knows that, but that kind of thinking... is that good for a kid his age? Maybe I'm setting a bad example (like when I go off on rants about how bullshit AP courses and weighted grades were.)

Ewww.... I saw Michael Fry at the grocery store. I hate those akward meetings where you feel forced to pretend that you were great friends because you went to school in the same building for three years (in our case, six) but never really had class together at all. He was with his girlfriend; I was with my mom. I also saw Kyle Swanson on 177 as I was leaving Manhattan. He waved, I waved, and that was that. It was actually quite an enjoyable interchange, I think because I didn't have to say anything. Aside from all this, if I ran into someone like Darren Sproles, who is now a celebrity, I'd expect a conversation. M. Fry... not so much. Call me shallow.

Almost... there... I should be writing my paper. Instead I'm blogging. Nice. I just can't think anymore... at least not about the changing view of nature in literature from the 18th Century and Restoration through the Romantic era. After this paper, I will never have to think about it again; I can throw all my notes, handouts, etc. from the first half of the semester away. After this paper, I will be essentially done with homework for the weekend, and I can go home and visit my friends and family. After this paper.... ugghhh it just feels like it's never going to happen (and it's not if I keep blogging, but I don't care).

So the shaving study thing... six hours after the actual shaving (so at 3:10 pm) I was supposed to get a phone call asking me which side of my face felt smoother, but I didn't recieve that phone call. At 4:10, I called and informed them that I had not recieved my phone call, and so the girl took down my name and my response (it was that same Korean girl, remember me talking about her?) but she didn't act like she remembered me, even though we talked about my first shaving experience and Cold Stone earlier that morning. Whatever. So I'd better get my damn $50.00. If I don't, boy, there's going to be hell to pay!

FRIENDS WASN'T ON TONIGHT! NEITHER WAS SCRUBS!!! Well, Friends was on, but it was an old episode. Kyle and I still watched it. We ate burritos and apricots. He wore his scrubs because I think he was secretly hoping for Scrubs to come on (he said it is because they are the most comfortable pants in the world.) It never did, though. It's because NBC is hateful.

I am starting this new diet... I bought the book a long time ago, but only now determined that I needed to take action. It's called "The Testosterone Advantage," and it's a very weird diet... it is asking me to drink 1% milk rather than my usual skim and to eat a lot less non-fat food. Supposedly all these changes are going to increase my level of testosterone, which is a great fat fighter. You're probably questiong the method, but I'm not, so don't rain on my parade. I will let you know how it works as the weeks go by.

I am really excited to go home tomorrow. I can't even put it into words, but I will try:

YIPEE! WOOT!! AYYIIIII!!!

That ended up about as good as I think this paper is going to...

The Return of the Grind. Well, my friends, another fall break has come and gone, and today I return to the drab days of scholastic living. I did have a good weekend, but even four days just isn't enough anymore... maybe for the simple reason that I worked all of them. Peterson is better now that I'm leaving... I still can't wait to be done there, though. Apparently I have been messing up the filing system... or at least confusing people by separating the filing into months, and so therefore causing the issue. No one made it clear to me that we filed according to accession number only, not separating them out by months. I guess I was wrong in assuming that in June, when we started the new way (by number rather than alphabetical by last name) and I was told to put all the June "yellows" (as they are called) in the bottom drawers and all the July "yellows" in the top one, that I wasn't supposed to separate the months out. And then Stephen had the audacity to say that even PAM (if you'll remember Pam, the alphabetically (and mentally) challenged girl who got the Target job when I didn't) "even Pam ," he says to me, "didn't have a problem with months." Implying that those people that have been getting it wrong (i.e. me) are even more retarded than Pam. That bastard. I called him on it too. I said "You know, Stephen, that when you say 'those people', you are referring to me, because I was messing it up, and then you actually have the nerve to compare me to Pam? It was you who was not clear about what we are supposed to do!" He laughed it off and said he was just joking. I almost walked out right then.

In other news, I completed the second portion of my $50.00 shaving study this morning. It was quite fun; although when people learn that I work at Cold Stone, they get a little giddy (and a little annoying). Thank God I "wasn't allowed to talk" as per the stipulations of the study. One guy asked me to sing after I was done, but I kind of pretended not to hear him and walked out the door.

Public Service Announcement: If you were here on Saturday night and witnessed the abduction of a bottle of Abercrombie cologne out of the medicine cabinet inside the bathroom, please notify me as soon as possible. Chad is missing his cologne. Chad is very angry. If you took it, Chad will find out where you live, hunt you down, and then pour the sweet-smelling, hypervolatile liquid all over your body, maniaclly chanting "So you wanted to smell pretty, huh?! You thought you could smell as pretty as me?!" before igniting your fragrant body with a blue-orange flame and cackling wickedly as you are reduced to a musky pile of odorifous (spelling?) ash. He does this sort of thing often. I live with him. It's scary. Bring back the cologne.

I caved and bought The Matrix Reloaded. I know they are going to release some special edition of it after all three movies come out because, well, it's Warner Brothers, and that's just what those bastards do. I couldn't help it, so I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I'm just glad I have a digital copy of Lawerence Fishburne giving the poorest performance of his career as he stands up in front of a large, soon to be half-naked and techno dancing crowd of future-people and shouts a lot of anti-machine trash talk like an angry ten year old. That is what I call "Hollywood magic."

Things for you to do. I went to see a movie tonight entitled "School of Rock". If you haven't seen it, please do. It is excellent.

I went to said movie alone, which, if you haven't done, I'd recommend you do... it's kind of fun. I walked into a completely empty theatre and thought to myself, "If no one else is in here and I laugh, is that weird?" But anyway... more people came in shortly thereafter, and a couple of those people were my friend and former roommate Kenny and my friend and former roommate's girlfriend Jill. We chatted and they sat next to me and it was happy. It was weird... very "fate-y"... but very cool. I was glad I had some people to share the experience with.

Now for the moral: "School of Rock" is a great movie that will not allow itself to be seen without the company of friends. The Gods of Rock have proclaimed it so. Rock on.

Whenever I work with "the high schoolers"*, I want to kill myself. I cannot stand these things that I find in them: laziness, over the top self-interest, bad harmonizing (all of which is blatant and poor replication of the harmonies that I "created" or really "discovered" (because you can't really CREATE harmonies, can you?)), Jeff, lying to the customers, the way they assume that because the work I am doing is not helping customers (cleaning up their messes, making waffle cones, etc.) that I am lazy, and the way they assume that I don't play their "Who is cuter?" game (in which they name two people and then tell who they like more) because I hate them, which is actually true but that doesn't mean that they need to assume that I hate them and talk about how much of a bastard I am. I can't stand them. I think they're going to fire Jeff. I hope so... he doesn't mix the dry mix-ins first, then the wet mix-ins second; he does them all at one, which creates on unattractive glop of ice cream that he touts as "perfection", and it's ridiculous. And if he sings that damn "H-E-double L-O" song ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR I WILL...


*NOTE: I use the term "the high schoolers" to distinguish a certain few from the number of coworkers of mine who happen to be in high school. The rest are good.

Fiesta. I am a suffocating host. That said, a small get-together I threw last night went fairly well. I will admit, there were a few group distinctions, but all in all, I think it was a good time for all. If you were there, thanks for coming, and sorry if my suffocatingness got annoying.

Apparently people like that Happy Meal toy I hate. I don't get it either, but... yeah. So maybe I can give it to a good home, or maybe it will just start to grow on me so that I can set it out as a Halloween decoration.

Speaking of scary stuff, Adam had a note put on his car the other night that said "when do you want to die? bitch." It was made with a typewriter, so whoever wrote it not only has bad grammar but is also technologically impaired. I think it was some old man Adam pissed off (because Adam does that sort of thing). Jason thinks it's this gay guy who Adam helped with homework for awhile until the guy started hitting on him. An equally good guess. More will come as the situation develops.

A promo. As promised, a link to Chad's online magazine, Empire Unleashed. Here is my favorite part, the synopsis:

"A lifestyle online magazine, where Wall Street and urban life come together as one, looking at cars, clothes, financial issues, lifestyle and play in the Big Apple and Little Apple. Looking at the east coast and the heart of it all, New York City."

I'll admit, it's not much now, but as its succinct and brilliant synopsis proves, it will truly be something to be beheld by all. I can definitely see this outshining other magazines in your doctor's waiting room. Magazines like Fortune, Maxim, and Highlights. QUIVER IN FEAR, FOR THE EMPIRE IS ABOUT TO BE... UNLEASHED!!!

New Developments! Today is the wonderful Bible-pusher day at Kansas State University! This is where old, rich men stand at all the inlets to campus handing out pocket-sized versions of the King James Version of the Bible. It is truly a thing to be beheld... does this happen elsewhere? Ahhh how I look forward to it. (Incedently, you may be wondering why I love Bible-pusher day so. This stems from the fact that the first words I heard as I stepped foot on Kansas State University soil over three years ago were "Would you like a bible?" I obliged. Then I tossed it in a bush. Sad.)

Another exciting thing has happened: I received McSweeney's issue No. 11 in the mail this afternoon! It includes a DVD which is quite the entertaining piece. Joyce Carol Oates is CREEPY! Who would have thought?

The homework situation: critical. I have finished the first read through of the article. When I get home, I can begin all the dirty work.

It's raining a lot, so I'm hoping tonight won't be busy at the old Stone. It probably will be, though. It's sorority day, so the girls (to whom the concept of tipping is foreign) will probably be out in full fat-hungry force after their chapter meetings. So I say, "Eat up, young vixens! Become the fat wives of bastards and military men!" Muahahahahaha!!!

I'm freaking out. I haven't really gotten a good start on either of my two projects for the week (Philosophy assignment and studying for my Brit Survey exam), and I'm starting to get a little nervous about both. Hopefully after class I can get my ass in gear enough to actually sit down and read through the rest of the article (I'm about halfway through... it's dry... like really coarse wheat toast.) Then I can re-read it, highlight, make an outline, and write the stupid paper. For those of you who don't remember, the last one of these necessitated an "all-nighter". I'm hoping that that won't be the case this time.

This morning I participated in the first portion of a shaving study, for which I will recieve $50.00. It was quite an interesting experience... being blindfolded, having hot towels wrapped around your face, and then trusting someone with a few very sharp blades to go at your face. Luckily, I suffered no "incidental nicks or scrapes", so Donna at Campus Hairstyles is cool in my book. While I was sitting there, being suffocated by the second of the hot towels, Edwin McCain's I'll Be came on... just kind of interesting... I haven't heard that song in a long time. Until, today, anyway. There were a couple of Korean girls who were kind of running the show, and one of them started talking to me while I waited (because God forbid I start getting shaven five minutes early!) and so I guess I'm going to be editing her thesis paper. I dunno, I couldn't really understand what she was saying... she was definitely a native Korean. (Incidentally, I am only guessing at her nationality. She could have been Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Philippino, or a host of many other nationalities... but she seemed Korean.)

I watched Babe last night, and I must say, I really love that movie. It made me want to be an English teacher... as weird as that sounds. "If I had words to make a day for you, I'd sing you a morning golden and true. I would make this day last for all time and fill your night with moon shine." SO EXCELLENT!

My Tuesday Experience. Today was the first Tuesday in awhile that I didn't have to haul my ass out of bed at eight o'clock in the morning to transport blood, urine, and semen (among other things) at Peterson Clinical Lab, and let me tell you, it was beautiful. I woke up just in time to make it to my twelve thirty (yes, folks, I am a lazy bum) class, and then I went and got coffee, went to the Dusty Bookshelf, and then headed home where I talked to Katie until I went to work. At work, I spent the two hours in which I always do nothing (six till eight) drinking green apple twist Smirnoff and Sprite with my beloved coworker, Mrs. Kami Linnens, and we had quite the bonding experience. Gregory Jackson, however, could not join us, so it wasn't quite as fun as it might have been, but we had a good time discussing the naked pregnant ladies in her magazine. I was going to go to the rec when I got home, but instead I hopped on over to Java and got some coffee, then (like a nerd) took it over to Cold Stone and hung out with my other beloved coworkers. Apparently, this guy who works at Gumby's who I told I would trade ice cream for pizza dropped off a pizza, so I will owe him my ice cream when I work tomorrow... which is fine by me! Me missing going to the rec equals me not needing ice cream OR pizza, so yeah, it's all for the best.

I have to tell you all, I am quite excited to do laundry on Thursday, followed by Friends/Scrubs night with Kyle and Sara (hopefully). Too bad I have so much crap to do, although by that time I should be done with Philosophy and will only have my British Survey test Friday afternoon to worry about!

Anyway, back to the rec... tomorrow I am going to buy a parking pass so that I can go to the rec in the mornings and park there. It should be beautiful, but I'll let ya know how it really goes. I got some new movies.... Babe yesterday (I failed to mention that), The Lion King this morning at midnight, and I ordered Scarface on DVD awhile ago, so it should be arriving soon. They, along with the rest of my collection, are on my DVD list. If you haven't made it there, you'd better go. If you can't figure out how to get there, then I can't help you.

According to Mrs. Kami Linnens's magazine, not only is Cancer my sun sign, but it's also my mars sign... and that tells a lot about my nature as a lover. I don't really remember what it tells, though... so, yeah. Good to know.

I miss George.

Nicole. I almost forgot: check out the cover of People right now. She has betrayed me. I hate her (at least right now). I hate her a lot. But as a couple of you know, my anger in this department fades often and somewhat quickly. Still... could she have chosen an odder coupling? I think not.

Domesticities. Today I went to Wal-Mart and bought some lightbulbs and toilet paper. It was great. Then I decided that since I went to class today, I'd been a good little boy, so I bought myself a Happy Meal. It was good, especially since I hadn't eaten anything today yet. I got this really crappy toy, though. Remember when they used to do the Hot Wheels/Barbie to further separate the boys from the girls (speaking of which, David, if you read this even though I don't think you do... remember when we went to like St. Louis and you got a Barbie Happy Meal and I made fun of you to no end while you contentedly petted her ebony hair? Oh the memories.) So anyway, this was one of those sort of deals: the girl toy though has gone from Barbie Dolls to Madame Alexander dolls, which... well who cares. They boy toy, however, went from the wonderfully awesome Hot Wheels (remember how you could even punch out the Happy Meal box to make a ramp for your awesome car?) to this weird "Stretch SCREAMERS!" Basically it is this deformed, non-posable mummy with "gooey" arms that sort of stretch, and when you pull this one, his face flips around from bandaged to unbandaged, bandaged to unbandaged. It's retarded. I'm even one of those college guys who is able to look past utility to the aesthetic value: "Maybe I could use it for some festive Halloween decor?" I thought. But no. This thing is just plain ugly, and therefore useless.

Tomorrow the Lion King comes out on DVD, but I am getting so sick of the promotions that I just want to die, so maybe I won't buy it. (yeah right).

This is, as I have informed some of you, my week from hell. I have another philosophy assignment due on Thursday and a mid-term exam on Friday. I kind of thought about it, and I've become a lot lazier (word?) since high school.... back then I'd be fine with this work... the stressful weeks had like three assignmentsdue every day and a few papers and maybe a couple tests. I'd probably drop out if had weeks like that in college. Is the course work harder? If it is, I don't realize it... I chalk it up to my own lethargy. Or maybe not. On the otherhand, since my boss at Peterson is cool, I don't have to work any mornings there ever again, which makes me insanely happy. The only morning I do have to set my alarm for is Wednesday, when I will participate in a shaving study at 9:10am at a barbershop across the street, and I will recieve $50.00 for my trouble. WOO!

So far, no one has taken me up on my offer to buy me that book. If you have decided that you are not going to buy it for me, please let me know either by IM, e-mail, or written letter, so that I may make alternate means of acquiring it. Thank you.

A Note to the Producers and Distributors of DVD's: Don't do it. Don't even think about doing it. When I go to the store on Tuesday mornings, fresh-faced and happy with childlike anticipation of the release of my favorite theatrical hits on my favorite home video format, don't make me worry. Don't cause me to drift from guiltless pleasure into anxiety. Here's the thing... when I buy the DVD of a movie, I want it to be THE DVD of that movie. I don't care about your damn Special, Extra Special, Limitied, Anniversary, Ultimate, Penultimate, or Collectors editions that come out three months or three years after I buy the damn movie. I own it now! It's too late! All that great stuff you said? All that "this is why we did this and why the reinclusion of this scene only proves the fact that this is the greatest movie of all time" and all your still pictures of the posters on the walls behind the guys taking leaks in the bathrooms that the main characters walked out of in the middle of the movies.... all of that should have been included in the first go-around. But you didn't think that far ahead? I don't buy it... not for another $25.00 I don't. Nuh-uh. Sorry, bud. Tough luck, better luck next box-office pseudo-success (cause that's what they all are now anyway, right?). You made me buy it the first time around, and I can't sell this worthless piece of shit back now, can I?! Not after it's been opened, not after I've had it in my backpack, getting ink marks and pencil shavings on your crappy cardboard Warner Brother's cover; not after it's sitting on my DVD rack for three lousy months collecting dust. No, I'm stuck with your lousy piece of trash, and so I think it's only fair that you be stuck with your lousy piece of cash that you earned from making a DVD devoid of all the superfluous information that only NOW do you realize is essential for total understanding and enjoyment of your not-as-great-as-the-next-one's-gonna-be film. But the thing is, I do buy it... I stand in that checkout line at Target or Wal-Mart or Best Buy and I see my mom, shaking her head, an Indian-like tear rolling silently down her cheek ("When will he ever learn?") And because of you.... because of all this... I am going to have two of the same title on my already overflowing rack, and people are going to ask me, "Why Michael? Why?" and I am going to have to blame it all on you. And they are going to think I'm crazy. So for me, for my mom, and for my dignity... just stop. Honestly. Just fucking stop. Or at least give me a coupon or something.

And now... How can you know if what I am typing now is exact truth? A few months ago, when none of you read this except for maybe Jason, I might have felt I could put in whatever I wanted in here without fear of repercussion... but NOW.... oh you all just be glad I restrain myself! Or maybe I don't restrain myself? Maybe I've taken it upon myself to create a new, secret blog where I rant and rail to my hearts content (like I might have used to) about EVERY ILL I feel you all have caused me? Struggling to think of an ill you might have caused? Then I will let your image of my wrath rest in one of my two ways:

1. That one time you're thinking about... that one when I MIGHT have been upset? Oh yeah... I was pissed. And on this secret blog, I've made your name mud! No four-letter words were too unkind for you. You know how I feel about the other team on Fridays? Well, Texas, that's what you are to me (at least in the post(s) you have inspired).

2. That one time you're thinking about... I don't remember it. I don't hold a grudge. But maybe you'd like to see what I've posted about the number ones?

Happy Hunting!

Tip for my friend Joe: when you accidentally trip over your shoelace in the middle of some busy Spanish street, don't talk about how "embarasado" you were. First of all, it's impossible, and people will laugh at you. Second, how many bottles and rattles can a guy like you really use? Honestly?

I finished Slaughter-House Five today. Finally. Yeah, you might have noticed it was my book of the moment a long time ago, and ceased being so a long time ago as well. Well, sometimes my books of the moment aren't really of the present moment, but more of the future, anticipated moment. I guess that's just how we do things here in Michael's House of Pain. Speaking of which...

If you ask for me not to do something (and I take heed), then please, don't turn around and do it yourself. It's kind of rude. But maybe I should post that in the "secret blog". This is about as confrontational as I get these days.

The Wildcats lost today... it was a tough game, and they at least played decently. Still, it is sad that our "season of promise" has pretty much gone to crap.

I have recently gotten even more into my major -- attending an on-campus reading by a fiction writer, signing up to read my poetry for some high school kids... I'm even considering reading at a local art gallery, as well as submitting some work to a couple undergraduate campuses. If nothing else, you couldn't say I haven't tried. Or thought of trying. I have also become more interested in my course work, and have done almost all my reading assignments which, if you know anything about my study habits, is saying something. We are coming up on a week of hell, though... a philosophy assignment due (which will no doubt be difficult) and a midterm exam covering all the material we've read (a lot of which I haven't) in British Survey 2. I'll let you know how THAT goes.

I bought another book... McSweeney's quarterly concern Issue number 10... McSweeney's Mammoth Treasury of Thrilling Tales, which features short fiction from a lot of my favorite authors.... Dave Eggers, Michael Chabon, and Nick Hornby... as well as several other names you might know (Michael Crichton, Steven King, Elmore Lonard, et al.) It is sure to be fantastic (once I start)! In addition, I have purchased a subscription to said quarterly concern, which means I will recieve issues 11, 12, 13, and 14 as well. Issue 11 was for this fall (I think), so it is being shipped as we speak. Also, if anyone is looking for any gift ideas for me, I'd really like Jokes Told in Heaven About Babies by Lucy Thomas (who I am pretty sure is one of Dave Eggers's facades.) It's only $8.00 and can be purchased here.

Think about if no one had discovered America... if we were all decended from "Indians" and were still considered the "noble savage". Today we might actually be a revered people, rather than a country hated by most of the rest of the world. And we'd have freedom, too, except for it really would be freedom in the sense that we wouldn't be trapped in drab, meaningless lives, and have to give our best years of our lives to working for the system just to feel some form of freedom. God Bless America.

I watched The Last of the Mohicans tonight.