What we have here...

In response to a comment I recieved on my last post, I would like to offer up the following ways to remove noisome friends from your inner circle and place them in the periphery (or further).

1. Discontinue use of deodorant. Nay, quit all personal fragrance, at least for awhile. Allow your standards for personal hygiene to be compromised. Don't shave areas you would normally shave. Allow your hair to dry naturally from the shower. Still brush your teeth, but do it for the sake of health; NOT appearance. Soon, you will find your friends no longer want to hang out with you, which is convenient.

2. Get a new cell phone. Or just lose their number the conventional way... by deleting it from your old one. Or just forget to call (I've actually lost many a good friend unintentionally in this way, so BE CAREFUL). When they ask to see your "new phone", say you left it at home so you can't get their number until the next time you see them (which is hopefully never). Make a gratious attempt to write down their number on a tiny scrap of paper which would be easy to lose, therefore giving yourself yet another believable excuse. Continue on in this pattern indefinitely... avoiding social encounters with them along the way... and soon enough, they'll forget you ever existed.

3. Get clingy. The polar opposite of method two. Call them daily, constantly harping on how much you love them. Hug them every four point six seconds. Start dressing like them. Get the same haircut as them. Buy them pithy little friendship tokens. Pretend it's junior high drill team camp again. Soon enough, they'll "get a new cell phone", and they'll be thankful if you do the same. Bonus: the guilt rests with them (at least in their minds).

So there you have it, friends and "friends". Hopefully I have been able to impart some of my friend-losing wisdom unto you. Now, run along and die.

Kisses!