What is going on? My motivation is slipping... perhaps more than it ever has before. All I feel like doing anymore is sitting here and watching TV and reading books (more of the former though; the latter takes too much effort). It's really kind of sad. And pathetic. I think I need to get a new hobby... or rediscover old ones or something. I want my cello back. I also want to start writing more (since I more or less want that to be my profession some day). I'll let you know how all this goes.

My toilet is being kind of weird tonight; it will start and run for about five seconds and then shut off for about fifteen... then it starts all over again. I am thinking I'll call the landlady soon and pursue a permanent solution to the problem, but for now at least it provides me with something semi-interesting to mull over on this blog.

Sometimes I think about how much more drive I had in High School. I mean Jesus... I was HARDCORE! Seven hours of class a day, followed by at least four hours of work at a job that I absolutely hated (although it did allow me to get homework done and catch up on sleep!) I think what I miss is that cushy life... the parents who did my laundry and made my bed and cooked and cleaned and whatnot. And I miss the security of not being alone... because I wasn't back then, at least not in the sense that I am now. Those were the days. My life is no longer a compilation of my own and other people's efforts... it's what I make of it. Right now, I'm sad to say, I'm not making much. I am definitely in a "searching" mode... searching for my "meaning" and "purpose" - searching for what I want to get out of my life. I hate how right now all the words I am using are big abstractions ("MEANING" and "PURPOSE")... I can't really focus them with any concrete details. I can sort of see an end to the search; I can see what I want to eventually see. I think I'm just unsure of how to get there. My new path of indifference and laziness (and, dare I say, melancholy) isn't working... it's getting old pretty quick. I'm on the verge of something new though. Anyway... just a little profundity for you to chew on.

In defense of my enjoyment of the Matrix Trilogy... I will admit that the movies (actually just the last two) are glorified crap. I read a quote that I really agree with that said that they are basically "the worlds most expensive student films". There are so many issues with bad writing, horrific dialogue, ineffective pacing, and overly-pedantic musing on philosophy (shutting the toilet off) that it makes the movies hard to praise. The reason I liked the trilogy, though, was for the world that the Wachowski Brothers created... a human race that was destroyed by its own flaws (flaws that I myself see in our own society, both past and present). The boys could have executed the story far better, and I think they owed it to the story to do so. Nevertheless, I had fun watching it all. The idealistic ending of Revolutions displays, I think, the quixotic dream that world peace is actually possible... that we can be forgiven for our sins and forgive as well. It's a nice thought... a thought that makes me happy and gives me hope. Ergo, I will continue to enjoy the Matrix, not for what it showed me, but for what I saw in it. How's that for crappy and botched reasoning? I'm going to go watch more Friends now. Is my taste waning?